I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?