Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]