I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Good morning.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.