Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.