Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

Become ungovernable.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”