I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
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I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn