I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
making sure he doesnt get away
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.