I did not eat the cake…
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Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
They’re called werewolves.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.