I did not eat the cake…
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My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Meme Monday.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Look Ma, no handle on things
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.