I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”