Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

She puts the hot in psychotic

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Who called it baking and not making love

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge