Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Just a bush.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Meow?

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.