i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
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Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Oh yeah that’s it
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer