i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
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Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Not messing around
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)