Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”