Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.