I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
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1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Boom, boom, ching!
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.