I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Gods work.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan