Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

titanic

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.