I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
You Might Also Like
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Beware of fowl play.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high