Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

making sure he doesnt get away

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

wow

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.