I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
*pronounces injury like lingerie*