I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron