Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.