I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Proctology is located in A55
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Given the amount of sweat it generates, self-checkout should absolutely count as cardio. And high-intensity if a line is growing behind you.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I just want an internship man
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life