I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN