Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

This week’s mood.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

orange cat behavior

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch