I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
same but as an audience member
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Match dot com, but for socks.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now