Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

“HELP WITH CAT”

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Pot warmers of the day.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.