i did the math
You Might Also Like
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.