i did the math
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doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate