i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.