Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

grandparents are too precious for this world

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house