i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this