I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.