I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.