I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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any last words?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen