Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

every. time.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.