I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
