I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds