I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
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Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
…..pretty much.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.