I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”![]()
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
me hitting on a model
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.