I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?