I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.