I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Skills
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.