Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”