I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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My first child will be named New Folder.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.