Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

British websites use biscuits.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Goodnight 🐶

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.