I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

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Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?


The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”


My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”


Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.


interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.

Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.


If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.