@wumother

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

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@NYC_Blonde

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

@Tups13

The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”

@KentWGraham

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

@unmehlievable

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

@robots_feel

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.

Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.

@JMScomedy

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.