I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭