Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
You Might Also Like
The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I knew it.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
interviewer: how are you with excel
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.
Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.