Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

this is uni

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible