“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
This might be me.
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Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park