Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.