“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
You Might Also Like
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Hell yeah 👍
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.