“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Finally! 😈
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?