Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”