Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool