I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
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Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg