“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
(grounding my kid) go outside.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
wut hotdog?
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car