“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
You Might Also Like
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
🐶😂
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.