“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers