I didn’t come here to be called names
You Might Also Like
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.