I didn’t come here to be called names
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Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.