I didn’t come here to be called names
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Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
🖤✌🏽
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours