I didn’t come here to be called names
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Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
And then there were 4
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.