Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

Every time my phone rings

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.