Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

When news reporters do sports stories

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.