I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video