I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
SPLOOT
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
