Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.