Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”