Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Important reminders

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road