Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.