I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
this site is so cooked lol
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.