I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
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“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Catering service
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.