Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

This raises questions

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

looks legit

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.