I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
You Might Also Like
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.