Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes