I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.