Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

My dog after a walk in the woods.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer