I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Lmao
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
quarantine day 3
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Friends that check up on you >
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Name this drama.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?